Caution: Plans Subject to Change

 

Hi. My name is Bri, and I’m a control freak. It’s taken a lot for me to come here and put my business in the street, but here I go. Maybe it’s just me that has gone through what I’m about to tell you, but if not, let a sista know!

When I make any sort of plan or goal, the first thing I do is plan out every single step that will get me to my destination. This plan includes approximate timelines and every possible bad thing that can happen along the way. I became so obsessive that I started to approach my entire life that way. Everything was in order and everything had a plan (or so I thought).

But you wanna know what my plan didn’t include?

My own shortcomings.

I hadn’t considered the possibility of the things that were out of my control, the things that would force me to take a left where I planned to take a right. It is those moments…those detours… that brought me to my knees (literally and figuratively, chile).

But, I will say this…sometimes being on your knees is the best place you can be.

Ok, so here’s the tea.

*deep breaths in, deep breaths out*

I failed the bar exam. More than once, I might add.

There, I said it.

As the everyday over-achiever, this was a source of great shame and discouragement. Honestly, it had deflated all the “push” and the fight that I had in me. I felt defeated, and nothing anyone said or did was able to change that feeling. Many well-intentioned people gave me the “it’s just a test” pep talk, more told me to just “keep moving forward,” and even more reaffirmed that I was “smart enough” to overcome this hurdle.

But, here’s the truth…I didn’t believe any of it. This one test had caused me to question my entire being and forced me to answer some hard questions that I’d gotten away with ignoring.

Am I really called by God?

Am I actually intelligent or did I just believe I was because people always told me that?

If I’m not an over-achiever…if I don’t always come out on top the first time…who am I?

That’s when I realized that my funk wasn’t just about the test. Don’t get me wrong, the news of the failure rocked my world, but that wasn’t even the biggest issue. It was much bigger than a test. It was a realization that I didn’t know who I was outside of what I did.

So, what did I do in this situation?

I cried. I slept. I isolated myself. I got angry. I barely looked at myself in the mirror.

But then, I went to the person who knows me better than anyone. I went to the Father. I asked Him all the questions I’d asked myself, and I got this simple reply: “You’re mine.”

Pause for the cause. Now if it’s one thing that Black women typically try to refrain from doing… (for various reasons, but that’s tea for another Saturday, okurr)…it’s crying at work.

Now, ask me what I was doing when God said that to me.

You guessed it! I was crying my eyes out at my desk. (I made sure to close the door to my office first though because my pride wouldn’t let me be seen by NOBODY) That simple statement from God, my Father, simply acknowledging me…it felt like…the TRUTH. It’s like those words immediately took residence in my heart, my soul.

That was the beginning of my pivot.

Once I began to accept (through scripture, prayer, self-reflection…you know, all the things) and embrace my God-given identity I was able to detach myself as an individual from my accomplishments. Then, and only then, was I confident enough to consider the POSSIBILITIES. This can be a scary word for people who like to plan everything down to the tiniest detail because possibilities are much too vast to plan for. But, at this point, I was open to taking the leap of faith…the leap off my carefully planned schedule onto the exceeding, abundant plan of God.

I know what you’re thinking: “Bri, this all sounds real good, but for real for real, it ain’t that simple.”

And you’re right. It’s not. I have to push myself everyday to adopt this mindset. Keeping it a thousand, I was really out here faking it until I made it, until I actually believed (even for just 24 hours) that it was true.

How do we do it? Develop a mantra or affirmation and repeat it.

Here’s mine:

“Circumstances change, but God does not. My plans may fall through, but His do not. He is faithful to complete the good work that He has begun in me.”

This mantra became a vital part of my daily routine…so much so that I’d memorized it in about a week.

So, let’s fast forward a bit. I know who I am (mostly), I got my daily affirmation together, now what?

Now, you bloom where you’re planted.

In a time where I felt like my whole world had fallen apart, I was determined to come out of this season with more. More wisdom, more self-awareness, more faith. I refused to come out (and, yes, by this point I had resolved that I wasn’t going to stay in this place) exactly the way I came in. No ma’am. No sir. That wasn’t the move. Bri was going to come out of this season a healthier, more whole being. And that’s on Mary had a little lamb.

So I started spending more time asking “Lord, what can I learn from this?” than I spent asking Him to just get me out of this mess (mentally, physically, and emotionally).

That’s it. Simply said (kind of), but definitely not simply done.

Let me bring it all home right quick and give you my “lessons from the low moments”.

Here’s how you pivot, and pivot WELL:

1. Discover and Reaffirm your identity. Your identity does not change based upon external circumstances. You’re still you whether the “plans” come together or not. (You still poppin’!)
2. Open yourself to new possibilities and know that it’s ok to divert from the plan and explore! After all, that’s what life is all about. You can’t always change your circumstances, but you can absolutely change your mind.
3. Learn the lessons of where you are, so that you can take them to your next destination. This season, this time, this place, this circumstance is NOT wasted time. It is a teacher. Sometimes the lesson is just harder.

If you’ve made it this far, I’m sure you’re wondering whether I came out on the other side (i.e., if I finally passed). The answer is TBD. I was tempted to wait until I officially passed to write this, but nah (for those who’ve never seen/heard this, it means NO). I felt led to share while I was still in the process, so you’d know that I’m still running this race right alongside you. You’re not alone. It’s not just you. Keep moving. Remember who you are. And if you don’t plan anything else, PLAN TO PIVOT.

 

 

 

Photo Cred: Photo by Markus Spiske on Unsplash