Hey, y’all. For those of you who are new to the space, I’m Bri. Welcome to the living room, where we spill tea and turn our lemons into lemonade. Honey, come on in, kick your feet up, and get your wine, your coffee, your “something stronger” if that’s what you need (‘cuz that’s your business), and let’s get into it. Maybe it’s just me that has gone through what I’m about to tell you, but if not, let a sista know!
When I was a child, I used to think I had all the time in the world to do whatever I wanted to do, including get married, start a family…you know, the usual dreams that have been embedded in our upbringing since we were first introduced to Barbie and Ken.
Here I am at 27, and the lie detector test determined THAT WAS A LIE. (or maybe it’s not, depending on who you ask)
Now, we all know that Instagram is full of people who have created whole businesses on “how to find the one” or “what to do to get a man” (because you rarely see anything giving men the same “wisdom”).
My favorite is some variation of “how to be ready for marriage”.
*rolls eyes*
Let me be clear. There are some things that probably should take place before you get married (like learning how to better steward your finances, seeking help to address childhood traumas, etc.), but these are mostly things that will improve your overall quality of life, individually, that can ALSO benefit you in marriage.
There is no checklist for becoming the perfect spouse.
Why?
Perfection does not exist; therefore, it cannot be a destination or something you become.
As long as we are human beings prone to error, there will always be room for improvement and growth.
Development never stops.
But, let me be real with y’all…I was into it for a while. I was knee-deep in the books, the conferences, all of it. They sold me the dream, and I bought it…literally. (Don’t judge me.)
Until, one day, my eyes were opened.
Praise the Lord for discernment!
I realized that most of this “advice” wasn’t even biblical!
It seems like so many people had developed this whole list of do’s and don’ts, and told us if we did all these things, then God would bless us with a spouse. And, if we did those things and still hadn’t gotten married it was because we weren’t doing enough/needed to do more.
WHAT A LOAD OF CRAP. Respectfully.
Transparency Moment: Now, this wasn’t the first word that came to my mind when I got this revelation, but I’m striving to surrender my language to the Lord. Pray for me.
First of all, God never promised any of us marriage. (Read that again!) He made a lot of promises, and that’s not one of them. Trust me, I checked, and it ain’t in the Good Book.
Second, if your motive behind serving, cultivating a relationship with God, etc. is based on you getting some reward out of it (aside from intimacy and closeness with God, of course)…
Just. Stop.
Let me tell you a secret. Come close, so I can whisper it to you.
*whisper* God is not fooled by your works. The people around you may think you’re doing all of this in spirit AND in truth, but God knows what’s really good. He sees your heart.
Now, this isn’t to shade anyone’s business…well…not entirely,
BUT…
This is my word of caution…my lesson from the low: Filter everything through the Word, and if it don’t fit, you must quit…listening to that advice (or whatever Johnnie Cochran said).
There’s a few reasons that God tells us to guard our hearts, and this is one of them. (see Proverbs 4:20-24). Everything that sounds good to you may not be good for you.
Not guarding your heart, and not being intentional about the words you allow to dwell there, sets you up for disappointment.
Don’t do that to yourself!
Here’s a good rule of thumb: if it’s not based on and/or rooted in God’s word, it’s not something you should take to heart or internalize.
Hear me when I say this: It’s not wrong to desire a spouse, children, or a certain job or lifestyle. Desires, themselves, are not inherently bad as long as they’re healthy. The Word even says that God will give us the desires of our heart, if we delight ourselves in Him. (Psalms 37:4)
Bri, how do we delight ourselves in Him? I’m glad you asked!
*pushes glasses to nose*
The Bible says to seek FIRST the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added unto you. (See Matthew 6…read all of it and let it bless you.)
NOT seek first some cooking lessons (however, this may be helpful if you’ve ever been close to burning someone’s house down ‘cuz, chile, ain’t nothing cute about that *sips tea*)…
NOT seek first that man at your job or on your IG with the gorgeous smile, a beard, broad shoulders, and nice legs.
I don’t know this man personally, I’m just sayin’…mind ya business!
I don’t know what all your “these things” may be, but I do know that when you seek God first, your “things” …your desires, including that of marriage, family, or any other goal, will start to align with His will, and that’s something you can lean on.
His good and perfect will.
Amen? Amen.
Photo Cred: Photo by call me hangry 🇫🇷 on Unsplash