Hey, fam! How y’all doing?
For those of you who are new to the space, I’m Bri. Welcome to the Living Room, where we spill tea and turn our lemons into lemonade. Honey, come on in, kick your feet up, and get your wine, your coffee, your “something stronger” if that’s what you need (‘cuz that’s your business), and let’s get into it.
When I was a little girl, there were a few cardinal rules that you might as well have considered the gospel truth.
One of them was to never talk back to your parents, elders, or authority figures—and when I say never, I mean NEVER.
Being the quintessential “good girl”, rule-follower that I was, I almost never broke this rule. I just did what I was told, when I was told, and how I was told. Whatever these authority figures told me was the truth and it was not to be questioned, even in my private thoughts.
To some extent it was beneficial for me, despite the fact that the only explanation I received was “because I said so”. (i.e., I’ve never been burned because I was told not to touch the stove, I’ve never been hit by a car because I was told not to run into the street without looking both ways, etc.)
However, in adulthood, I can see how this principle…this teaching… was also harmful.
It wasn’t too long ago that I found myself having a conversation with someone to get what I thought was going to be constructive criticism…
Because who doesn’t love self-improvement!
Instead, this talk turned out to be a conversation about everything I wasn’t and everything I needed to be to be “better”, which isn’t a bad thing (depending on the delivery and the motive behind the person dishing it out).
I’m sure I’m not the only one who’s been in this situation. It may have sounded a bit like…
You’re not ____. (insert good quality here)
You are ____. (insert undesirable quality here)
You need to do/be ____.
You’re nothing like _____, he/she was more _____ than you.
Sound familiar?
Like the good girl I’ve always been, I accepted these criticisms and immediately convicted myself *cue the negative self-talk* and started trying to figure out how I could be better or earn the approval of the person sitting across from me.
The fact that I based my approval of me on their approval of me is another conversation for another day, but let me just say: DO NOT DO THIS.
I never questioned whether these criticisms had merit. I never even questioned the person that made the statements. I never talked back.
Following this age-old rule resulted in me not advocating for myself, not saying NO because I thought it would be disrespectful, and allowing other people to dictate what I felt, thought, and believed about me.
The truth is people can, will, and often do, give all of these harsh criticisms and make assumptions about who you are or aren’t (whether they’re valid or not).
HOWEVER, here’s where you can have a quick praise break…
The choice of whether you accept it or not is entirely yours.
*Side note (because maybe someone else needs to hear this as much as I did): A criticism can be true about you for a moment, in a particular situation, WITHOUT also being true about you as a person, generally…as a fundamental characteristic of who you are.
Ok, carry on.
Amid all the principles and teachings I received as a child, nobody ever told me that there would be some instances in which I am both allowed and should talk back. This was one of them.
And, no, this isn’t just something the culture, self-help books, and my emotionally intelligent friends told me…it’s BIBLICAL.
Bri, show us the receipts!
Say less. I got a lil’ time today.
Secure your bibles and turn with me to Matthew chapter 4.
Here, we see that Jesus has been led into the wilderness to be tempted by the devil, and the first eleven verses detail a back-back, forth-and-forth (just to add a lil’ rhythm to this rhyme) between Jesus and the enemy (the NIV version says “the tempter”).
In almost all eleven verses, we see Jesus, our Lord and Savior who is without sin, quite literally TALKING BACK to the false statements, false promises, and attempted manipulations of the enemy.
As should you!
Stay with me, church. I’m going somewhere.
Follow me to 2 Corinthians 10:5. (it’s pronounced 2nd Corinthians, Hillary)
We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.
Notice the use of “demolish” and “take captive”.…these are not passive words. These are fighting words, and that should tell you this: We fight lies, not negotiate with them.
This is your license to talk back against anything that’s said to you, even if it’s said by you, that’s contrary to the truth…contrary to what God says about you.
Is there a such thing as valid constructive criticism? Yes! There are characteristics and habits within all of us that must be called out so that we can improve and grow.
Don’t believe the hype. Everybody ain’t your enemy.
The purpose of this come-to-Jesus meeting isn’t to negate that fact.
What is ALSO true, though, is that we should not accept everything that is said to us as true simply because of the messenger (unless it’s the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit).
That’s all I’m saying.
In closing, I leave you with these lessons from the low:
- Test everything that is said about your character, identity, future, etc. against the Word of God no matter who the messenger is.
- Other people’s opinion of who you are does not define who you are unless you allow it to.
- Boldly talk back to the lies told to you by people, the enemy, and yourself anytime it sets itself up against the truth of who you are! It’s not disrespectful to stand up for yourself.
If your upbringing was anything like mine, then you know that I had to gradually build my confidence to talk back. Initially, I still felt like I was dishonoring the people I respected by pushing back on things I felt….no, knew….were false.
But, I had faith that my feelings would eventually catch up.
In the meantime, I had to continuously remind myself of the truth of who I was and be bold enough to affirm that she was worth fighting for. And, in case you forgot, so are you!
Now, go get you some talk-back and prosper.
Amen? Amen.
Photo Cred: Photo by Brett Jordan on Unsplash